You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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