Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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