why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
