I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
