a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize