You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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