When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
