I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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