38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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