i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
