OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
