I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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