The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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