My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
