i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
