I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
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