I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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