He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize