we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
