Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
