Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize