one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
