Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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