he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
