Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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