i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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