You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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