We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
