I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize