My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
She's the barista slut.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
