she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
