hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
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