peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
