11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
