Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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