If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
