There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
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