Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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