M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
