saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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