Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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