If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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