I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
