i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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