This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
