I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
