what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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