i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Randomize
