Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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