Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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