Where is the hickey?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Drunk is not a location!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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