so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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