His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
