When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
