I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize