when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
