Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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