There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
