I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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